wpadminYou hear it all the time: Communication is the most important element of the success or failure of a relationship. But what about when you’re just getting to know each other and you haven’t started anything yet?
If you like the guy, you want to be enticing, right? So does that mean you need to dazzle him with your sparkling personality? Sort of, but not in the way you might think. The most enticing thing you can do when you’re getting to know a new man is to listen. That’s right. If you’re preoccupied with other thoughts, what’s going on in the room around you, wondering if he likes you, or planning what you’re going to say next, you can’t give him your full attention. And when all that inner noise is going on, you’re focused on yourself. And believe me, it’s a turn-off when he notices you’re not listening.
When two people are just getting to know each other, generally one or both are nervous. When you focus on making your date feel comfortable and at-ease, you’ll both relax. You’ll relax because you’ve quit thinking about yourself and shifted your focus to them; then they’ll relax because your “heart is showing”. Most people are uncomfortable around someone who is obviously nervous or insecure so the more self-assured and comfortable you are, the more comfortable they will be.
When someone listens to you with full attention, looking you directly in the eyes, it makes you feel special. It feels good when someone shows genuine interest and makes you feel like you matter. This level of listening is so rare that when it does happen, it can actually create an attraction that might not have occurred without it.
The most effective way to capture a person’s interest–and learn about them–is to listen, ask them questions about themselves, not say too much about yourself, and listen some more. Dotty Walters, the Grandmother of Public Speaking, teaches the magic you create when you say, with enthusiasm, “Tell me more!”
It’s important not to fake interest just because a man is attractive. If he’s not interesting then you’re doing him, and yourself, a disservice and certainly wasting each others time. When the attraction wears off, you’ll be stuck with someone you don’t want to be with. Face it, not everyone is interesting to everyone else, even when they’re great looking.
Women are often guilty of pretending they’re in awe of what a man is saying to them him to like them. Older men in particular like to share their knowledge and can get going with very little encouragement. If a woman pretends to be hanging on every word, that can be enough for him to want to keep her around. That’s not fair to him, and would be insulting if he knew. Of course, men shouldn’t fake interest either. Either way, this is a form of leading someone on.
Part of mutual attraction and compatibility is how much each person talks. If both people need to talk 60% of the time, there’s obviously going to be a problem. On the other hand, if both people only talk 20% of the time, the silences will be uncomfortable.
The people with whom we feel that magical pull, balance us on the talking scale. An example of compatibility might be where one talks 40% of the time, the other talks 50% and there’s a nice comfortable 10% available for silence.
I would not be surprised if a lot of people have quit seeing each other because the talking scale was off, never realizing what went wrong.
