Is Love In My Future?

Note: This post is about romantic love. There are many types of love. I’m blessed to have my family and friends love, as well as the love that comes from knowing I am part of this magical planet and universe. This article is about romantic love.

Now that I’m single again, people automatically talk about my ‘next’ relationship. Funny how it’s assumed that’s gonna happen.

At this stage, I can’t see myself in another relationship.

I feel like I’ve kind of done it all.

I had a very successful 29-year marriage if you don’t count the last 18 months.

But actually, the last 18 months were the best part if I consider my personal growth. Nothing like walking through fire and falling into one shit hole after another to force you to grow. I actually chose to stay in that mess until there was nothing more to learn. The moment I realized I had learned all I could, I left for Maui, then moved on to Bali.

After my divorce, I had the pleasure of ‘getting it on’ with some very delicious and fun younger men. First, while I was living in Maui, then when I moved to Bali. And then some more fun when I got back to Santa Barbara. Having lost my virginity to the man I married, I needed to experience what I’d missed out on. It was all good and helped me discover new things about myself.

Then I married the Dung Beetle. That was my greatest mistake. Every time I think about that time, I always end up asking myself, “What was I thinking?” So far, it’s a big mystery. And this, coming from a girl who is great at digging up the lessons. But at least, I can relate to the women who need advice about choosing someone who isn’t good for them. The best thing was that I got to live in Ojai and meet my special Ojai friends.

Next, I met Chris via Match.com. He’s a lovely man and we’re still friends, but if you don’t include the first date, it was fairly passionless from the get-go. It was enjoyable, with lots of trips around the world, but in the end, I would prefer to be alone than in just an ‘enjoyable’ relationship.

Finally, I met Stephen, who allowed me to live out one of my fantasies, to be with a black man. We had such fun. Lots of laughter, lots of sex, and lots of love. He was the only one who loved me unconditionally. Talk about a man with a big heart. That was great…until it wasn’t. So, I ended that one too.

So what’s my point in sharing all this?

I think mostly, it’s that we shouldn’t feel like we have to be in a relationship to be happy and fulfilled.

It’s important that we learn to enjoy being alone. I mean really enjoy it. Not just tolerate it.

When you’re alone, you can decide what you want.

I can look at each of my relationships, including the ones I just ‘got it on’ with, and see what I was seeking. Some of it was neediness. But mostly, there was something at that stage of my development that I was looking for, except for the Dung Beetle. That one will probably always remain a mystery.

So back to enjoying being alone. In cleaning out my storage, and getting rid of stuff in anticipation of my move to Costa Rica, I came across this poem. I’ll share it here because I think it fits with this blog post:

I dance,

I dance alone…

For the sheer pleasure

      of dancing,

For the sheer pleasure

      of being alone;

For the feeling of motion,

For being alive,

      celebrating my aliveness.

I’m in wonderment

      at all that I am

     and all that I can be.

I’m one with the universe

      and all that it has ever been.

To dance,

To dance alone…

I wrote that poem after a meditation in a workshop many years ago. It’s haunted me all these years because I felt selfish to enjoy being alone.

Now I get it. I’m finally doing something just for me. I’m moving to a new country where I don’t know a soul. I’ll be alone as much as I want, and when I want to interact with people, which I always enjoy doing, I’ll walk down into the village. I can show up exactly how I want to, with no preconceived ideas about what others expect of me. The thought of that is more freeing than I can express with simple words.

Is there a man in my future? Who knows. At this stage, I’m open to whatever. But I don’t need it.

Note: The image is me dancing not alone, but with my daughter at her birthday party.